The rainbow maker, Day 55

Children have an amazing ability to use their imaginations to create anything they want. As I watched my son create rainbows today in the carport I realized that this ability never goes away, we just stop believing in it. Yesterday one of my students came over and he interviewed me for a business class he is taking over the summer. One of the interview questions was about what would I redo in my life if I had the opportunity. I told him I would take myself more seriously as an artist and really focus my energy on making my work and not bother with all the other little things that are constantly eating up my time. I thought about my answer today and I realized that right now (this very moment) I am doing just that. I also thought that the question should be asked in a different way, since change is still possible (I am not dead yet). The question I would like to answer is: What do you want to change right now in your life and how will you implement the changes? This question to me is about living in the present versus focusing on the past. I am happy to report that I am answering the question by living the answer. I don't mean to make it sound like it's easy, because it's not, it's really hard work. I doubt my process constantly. But as I watched my son make rainbows today it reminded me that I still have the power to create anything. I just have to believe that I can do it and then take the steps to make it happen.

In the garden, Day 54

At the moment our garden is exploding in color. I grew up in Northern California where it's always green, but living in Colorado where there are true seasons, I really began to appreciate the change of the landscape when spring hits. I remind myself to appreciate it while it is here. This is a constant lesson in life to appreciate what we have in the moment, because life always changes. This is one thing you can always count on, whether you want it to or not. Right now I am really enjoying the garden.

Character lines, Day 53

Our house is over 100 years old. When we first bought it the wallpaper under the paint drove me crazy. I thought I could never get used to seeing the lumps in the walls and we would remove it completely. Who paints over wallpaper anyways? And who puts it on the ceiling? After attempting to remove MANY layers without destroying the plaster underneath we came to the realization that the wallpaper is what is probably holding the walls of our house in place...better to just leave it be. Now I just view it as one of the many unique characteristics of our unique little house. I wake up to a lumpy ceiling and an ugly light fixture every morning, but as I photograph my environment everyday I am really beginning to appreciate these unique qualities. With so many cookie cutter houses sitting in walled off subdivisions, wallpaper on the ceiling is a bit refreshing.

Sugar coated, Day 52

Artificial flavor and color wrapped up in a pretty package. This is how most things seem to be presented whether it's politics, food, television, technology, the environment, religion, the economy, entertainment, and relationships. I don't mean to view the world through a glass half empty perspective, but it's difficult at times not to. I see our society as seriously doomed when the "King of Pop" suddenly dies and this gets more press coverage than political protests in Iran or all the Palestinians being killed in Gaza. I just don't get it, and yet at the same time I have bought into it just as much as anybody else.

The day's activities, Day 51

Breakfast, time with Nicolai, shower, tea and muffin, a little work, bike ride, picnic, rainstorm, nap, art opening, Chinese food, fireworks, blog, goodnight.

The baby ?, Day 50

I realized the other day that this is my last opportunity to have another child before I turn 40. It's not really something that I think about often since both my husband and I are in agreement that having one child works just fine for us. My realization was more from a biological perspective. When you are trying to conceive or are pregnant the risks involved radically increase once you hit a certain age. Although I knew from an early age that I definitely wanted to have a child, but it wasn't that long ago by the time I was actually ready for one. My window of opportunity seemed to be very small even if I could have physically conceived at a much younger age than I did. Most of my friends who are around my age seem to be on the same page with the one baby rule. This makes the decision much easier...no peer pressure. My other debate with myself is around my child growing up without a sibling. I love having a brother. I remember the day he was born and meeting him for the first time. I am thankful that we had each other during the crazy times when we were growing up and in the future when we will help our parents as they age. This is where I get stuck in my decision to have an only child, but the clock is ticking.

Destination unknown, Day 49

The journey is the destination. The journey is the destination. The journey is the destination. The journey is the destination. The journey is the destination. The journey is the destination. The journey is the destination. The journey is the destination. The journey is the destination...

I need to remind myself of this throughout the day, otherwise I become lost in the agenda.

Going home, Day 48

I haven't posted any images from the night time hours until now. I usually like to post a bit earlier in the evening. I was photographing by the seat of my pants tonight because I didn't have an image that I liked from the day. I tell my students to have their cameras with them at all times, and this is the first time in my life I have actually begun to seriously practice what I preach. Since I began this project I have begun driving and photographing at the same time. This is probably not the best idea, but I don't look through the view finder, and I don't review the images. This is a little safer than talking on my cell phone while driving (which I do not do). Now if Canon would only make a "hands free" camera...

The dream, Day 47

I had a dream last night that was vivid and yet so obscure at the same time that I didn't know what to think about it. I woke up feeling raw, like my mind had been through an amazing and a disturbing journey. I revisited it over and over again throughout my day. It was embedded in my mind just as if I had lived through the actual experience. I love dreams like this, they are rare and magical gifts and I am glad they don't happen very often.

Real boys wear pink, Day 46

My son is a real boy. A boy with long hair. A boy who wears the color pink. A boy that has a baby doll. A boy who loves to dance. A boy who will play with all the girls at school (and all the boys). A boy who loves to be hugged and kissed by his mom and dad. A boy that doesn't play video games or watch TV. A boy who already knows about how babies are made and the proper terms for all of his body parts. A boy who is not your typical boy. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Being a girl, Day 45

My 2 1/2 year old neighborhood friend got into her mom's purse this morning. Face covered with lip gloss, she proudly let me document her handy work. Her joy reminded me of how much fun being a girl can really be... and a burden at the same time. Although I really can't imagine it any other way. I remember experimenting with make-up as a kid and wishing that I could be older so I could actually wear it. But after my junior high school years it just seemed to be too much trouble. Now I love wearing make-up. It's just fun! But at times I do find myself wondering why I feel the need to make myself look "pretty." Am I not already good enough? This is a constant question we girls are faced with and it doesn't go away as you get older, it seems to be more in my face so to speak.

Splendor, Day 44

I exhibited my first video projection tonight for Art Night Out in Old Town Lafayette. I projected the piece on the windows of an empty building on Public Road, just a few blocks from my home. It was really fun to work in a way that is very new to me. Most of the viewers were people in the their cars driving down the road, but that was great and what I intended. The piece I projected, titled Splendor, was created in a video art workshop I took at Anderson Ranch last summer taught by Mary Lucier. It encouraged me to approach art in a whole new way. Tonight was just an experiment and it worked! The piece looked great and I am very excited to continue in this manner.

Lunch, Day 43

Growing up my family always teased me because at lunch I usually would ask "What's for dinner?" I still ask my husband this question, but only because he is usually the one that will be cooking. It seems like I am constantly focused on the meal ahead. Either I am hungry much of the time, or it is difficult for me to live in the moment...well I know that it is. But I think it goes back to my primal self , the hunter/gatherer self and not knowing when and where that next meal will come from. I just have to be sure that there is going to be one, and then I am fine.

Book, Day 42

My son and I collaborated on a book today. It was his idea to make one. He carefully did all the steps that I showed him. I was amazed at his skill for being 4 years old. I realized today that he has picked up a lot simply by observing me in the studio. He signed the back of his creation with his name and today's date. He was so proud of his accomplishment and I was very proud and amazed by him as usual. His dad often sits down with him and really shares his interests with him- Utah, tracking, camping, survival skills, to name just a few. Often I take on a different role, not that I don't teach him new skills, but we shared something today that was quite different from our usual interactions. I am excited for our next project.

Lucky, Day 41

I admit to completely objectifying my husband as I did to myself (unintentionally) yesterday. And perhaps there is nothing wrong in this. I think about not only watching my own body age, but my husband's as well. Is it a gradual realization or do you just wake up next to someone one day and notice the changes? My lesson is to enjoy what I have while I have it....whatever "it" is. My friend Wendy and I used to fall asleep listing all the things we felt lucky for in our lives leaving the day on a positive note. I am lucky for having him in my life...not only for how he looks and feels, but who he is as a husband, a partner, a father to our child, and a life collaborator. I am very lucky.

Effect/Affect, Day 40

As I was struggling to capture today's image I realized that the t-shirt I am wearing looks exactly like the inside of the poppy that I photographed yesterday. So now I am starting to think that this project is affecting me subconsciously and influencing how I begin my day down to the smallest details like what I put on in the morning. It wasn't until 5 pm today that I realized this. By the way... Tara's Ice Cream is definitely the best I have ever had!

Days into years, Day 39

39 days of being 39 years old. I have 39 images so far. Time has slightly slowed down since I began this project.

Reacquaintance, Day 38

My husband and son returned from their 13 day trip to Utah. I was ready to have them home again. My son screamed with joy when he saw me for the first time today. It was a wonderful feeling to hold him in my arms again. He changed so much in two weeks it was a little disconcerting in a way. He learned how to snap his fingers for which he is extremely proud of himself. I found myself just wanting to look at his face and listen to his speech to become reacquainted. I am not used to having him be away for so long, but it was good for both of us.

Circles of confusion, Day 37

I teach beginning photography for Continuing Education at CU, Boulder. My favorite technical topic to discuss is aperture and how it relates to depth of field. Most students take the class because they have a new camera they want to learn how to use, so the first class can be a bit overwhelming. When I was sixteen I took a trip to Japan with my father and brother. I clearly remember my dad attempting to explain aperture and depth of field to me as we sat in a cafe...I didn't get it. It wasn't until many years later that I was thrust as a grad student into the world of teaching as a beginning photography instructor that I had to tackle my technophobia. So if you want to know what "circles of confusion" are and how they relate to depth of field I would be happy to discuss the subject with you.

Losing, Day 36

I couldn't breathe all day. I mean I was breathing, but but not a relaxed breath. I felt like I just couldn't keep myself together. I am over worked and over stressed. I know this well. So I decided to photograph beautiful things around my house. This calmed my mind. I just needed an outlet to help release a little anxiety. I can breathe now.

Shopping, Day 35

My husband Gerald and I have a "God" collection. It includes a variety of statues, candles, images, and crosses adorning the walls and the shelves of our dining room. When we search junk stores to add to our collection we call it "shopping for God." On one occasion a bookbinding client came over and saw our collection and commented- "I am so glad you are Catholic!" I just laughed to myself but didn't tell her otherwise. I don't know why we started our collection, but we each had one before we met. You could say that we bonded over our affinity for bloody hearts. We don't subscribe to any particular religion. We have attended many types of religious services ranging from Hindu to Catholic. I grew up a few doors down from the Hare Krishna temple in Berkeley and occasionally we attend their Sunday service at the temple in Denver. I really enjoy attending a variety of services, but in a sense I feel as though I am still shopping.

Blue, Day 34

blue flow
pumping
breath willing desire
please take my hand

Line Story, Day 33

Tonight I had some neighborhood girlfriends over. We played a game called "line stories" which is similar to the Surrealist game "Exquisite Corpse". I showed them today's image and this is what we wrote:

I often wondered about the relationship between the number three and the number two. The left and the right...It's just so fucking aggravating trying to remember what goes where. It's really helpful when it's color coded. The less I have to think the better. Please don't make me think. Because I must finish this macrame project for the gallery show tonite. So thank you for the advice, but I must focus on this now. I don't like to dwell on advice. I have to decide what is best for myself. The balance of body, spirit, intellect, mother, wife, laugh maker, tear maker, love maker, light maker. But all those wires are definitely homicidal maker. Just can't take it! We're so technologically advanced. haven't we figured out how to not have all those God damn wires?! Seriously, I asked you to pick them up and move them out of the way. Now I can;t finish my project as easily, I must sit. All I want to do is drink more wine. If only i didn't feel hungover the next morning. I felt whole again.

Thanks Kat, Becky, and Anna for participating in my project tonight! A bunch of jibberish but a wonderful collaboative process. much like this project is from day to day- making sense at times then taking a leap of faith.

Art, Day 32

When my son makes "art" he just makes it. He experiments with materials and how he applies them to the paper. He doesn't over analyze it before he places a mark on the page. When he is done sometimes I ask him what his piece is about. There is always a story behind it. Some adventure that he has gone on or something he has seen. He works intuitively. Sometimes they end up in the recycle bin but usually they end up in his "portfolio" where all his work is stored. He does a little (or a lot) everyday. I love watching him work because it reminds me of where we all come from. A place where anything you do is just fine, because you did. It doesn't need to be labeled "good" or "bad," it's just yours and that is enough. I would like to get back to that place. To do something for the sheer joy of doing it without my judgement interfering.

Not Red, Day 31

When I was born I was completely bald, but as my hair grew it came in blond. Then it gradually turned to strawberry blond. I remember my very first gray hair. I was about 23 years old and a co-worker spotted it. I yanked it out and immediately swallowed it hoping that it would act as a vaccination against others, but it didn't work for long. Now my hair is many shades of gray, brown, red and blond. People ask me all the time where my son gets his strawberry blond hair. Most of the time I just don't understand how they can ask such a question, but maybe it's just that I don't understand my current hair color.

Keeping it together, Day 30

Today I have hit day 30 posting to this blog. This is a milestone for me because I wasn't sure if I could actually follow through (I still have 11 more months to go). It has been nice knowing that people are watching out there on the world wide web because it holds me accountable to my project! My mom asked me if it has been tough keeping up with it and in all honestly it hasn't. It has been a lot of fun and definitely challenging at times, but I really am enjoying myself. I think I have fallen in love with photography all over again. Around age 14 I began writing in a journal, but when I had my son I found it difficult to write. Every time I sat down I felt overwhelmed because there was so much to document or write about. I think posting to this blog comes a bit easier because the image leads the writing and the images are captured throughout the day. The images connect but they are random, just like the writing is random. It's not really about "the day" and what I did, but random thoughts sparked by the imagery. How this image of my glue container and brush inspired me today, I am not exactly sure...I guess it just means that I am working.

Expectations, Day 29

I lived in Northern California (Humboldt County) for over 6 years and I really didn't think much about sunny days....there weren't many back then. I remember a month of rain when I first moved to Arcata; I got used to it. Not to say that it wasn't ever sunny, it was, I just didn't think about it much. It was like a special treat when they occured. Then I moved to Boulder, Colorado where there is sun over 300 days of the year. I have gotten used to sunny days, so now when I visit Humboldt I wonder how it never bothered me before? It had been over cast here in Colorado for 5 or so days and I was really needing the sunshine today. The cloud cover broke and it was amazingly beautiful. My expectations have changed.

Daily Ritual, Day 28

My husband and I drink tea daily. I have already posted about his daily tea consumption. I joke about his life's purpose is to go from one cup to the next and how he gets there is somewhat inconsequential. Sitting down to have a cup requires us to take a break from the daily grind-this should happen more often then it actually does. Much of the time we drink while we work or read, but to simply just stop and focus on the hot liquid needs to be established into the routine. This is what I did this morning.

The Basics, Day 27

I am a luddite at heart. I own several computers, digital cameras, video cameras...various forms of technology in general, but my favorite tools are the ones I don't need to plug-in. My board shear in the studio is by far one of the best tools I have ever purchased. And the best thing is that it will never crash on me, need to be upgraded, or will be subject to a virus. There is something to be said about simple objects that get the job done. I am very proud of the fact that the only electricity I use in the bindery are the lights to see by at night. Yes, I am a luddite at heart.

Space, Day 26

How is space defined? This space is filled, but feels empty at the same time. Relationships are like this. My space seems to be defined by who is physically present. My husband and child fill up my space when we are together. Sometimes when I am with them I crave space-bathroom space, bed space, quiet space, me space. But when it is just me and I have my space I feel lost for a brief moment. I need to readjust myself and then I fill my space with other things-work, friends, relaxation, and quiet. My newly acquired space is defined in a different way, although it is still the same; I am still the same. When they return I will be ready to have them fill it again.